Currently: Feeling remorseful

I wanna know who really are my friends nowadays? Everyday i wonder - who is really my friend? Are my old time 3 years time friends still called friends? Will real friends actually tease you sarcastically? Or do they actually mean what they say? Some people really don't have the balls to call you stupid, an asshole, a fagget upclose

Some people i really wonder, are they bad as they say they are? Sure you have back up, but are you strong enough to handle yourself? Are you strong enough to handle everything, the pain, the suffering, the insults when your all alone?

Everybody doesn't really care about these things because they take friends for granted, what happens if they leave you - what happens to you then? What happens after? Are you there to protect yourself?

Sure you say - God is always watcing above me. What happens if someone smacks you in the face or shoots  you in the stomach, will god help you then? Will god give a fuck about you?

Some people are just so arrogant, some people can't face the truth because they are protect by friends all around, what happens if you face the facts that they don't appreciate you and they only use you for what you have and they only like you for a perticular reason - can you count on friends then?

Well fuck that. Fuck them, fuck all of them. Friends hmph - what's the point of friends if they are only going to take advantage of you in the end? Is it really worth it? Is it worth the time? The expense? and the price you pay is high. Life is a game, cheat to win, and fight to protect yourself.

Lesson Learned.

-Crimsoneyes

Currently: Tired/Seldom/Sulking/Dying

Death: Inch by Inch

Wow, i feel cheated, defeated, tormented, wretched, killed.

First with the cheated. Interesting that you have found your self living by yourself, when your friends have finally found their sanctum which will eventually break. This i mean by relationships. Feeling cheated is the worst feeling in the world, either its your girlfriend, boyfriend, wife, husband, friend, best friend, mother, father, brother, sister and others. I feel cheated in such a way that everything has turned their back on me - Feel cheated as if that all my friends are going on with their lives such as nothing has happened, and of course nothing has happened except every single life form on this earth was destroyed. I'm nothing, i'm just a "figment" of the 6.3 Billion...

Defeated, The act of defeating or state of being defeated. What a perfect difinition on how i feel. Defeated by life, defeated by friends, defeated by parents, defeated in whatever aspect i choose. To my other statement, there is no barrier, there is no god's shield, there is no god's speed, all i have left is me, myself, and I. What a coincedence. I finally understand what it feels like to be alone... Defeated in everything i choose as in school, my career, my dreams, my life... Has been shattered...

Tormented, by everyone, by everything. People taunting me, people hating me, people disliking me, people liking me then throwing me away. What a feeling of being chewed up and spitted out once again. Still, i am searching an answer to my questions? What's the point if i know i will forever be tormented by life? Most likely, this will happen, why should I live on?

Wretched, since birth, till death do my wretched soul do us part. I was abused, slashed, entirely disfigured - for life. The wretch you see which is me has never been the same. Internally, all this is literal, physically, is there anything wrong? I guess not, if your not shallow - see behind the smile.

And finally killed, into my enternal oblivion, my destruction, my catastrophe or is it my eternal bliss? Is death the begginning or the end for me? I really wonder. I wish death could be the end for me then i wouldn't understand all this bull shit, i wouldn't understand why i get hurt so much, i wouldn't understand why i was all these dementations, grostesquries of this earth. God permit, please kill me. God forbid, please not let me feel this pain again...

Sometimes i wonder why i even bother typing my theories towards people - would they even understand or appreciate what i write? Don't make me laugh, you must be reading this if you were really bored or me telling you. *sigh*

But that's okay if your really that bored, put this into thought...

People who hate me, dislike me, or just don't know who i am this is your answer: In a few years time - You won't see me, ever again...

- Lee...

Currently: Drenched, enlightened, fritened, cold - "It isn't fair is it?"

Walking through the rain throughout the day is relaxing. Gentle tear drops of heaven touching your skin. Figuring out life is really about. When i went to the fountain at City hall, looking at the water, see how it flows, see how it moves, in different shapres which the eyes can see. Beyond what the eyes can, what is it? Do you see: A phenomia? A speculations of molecules and calculations which seems to confuse the human mind? Or just simply water flowing.

Strictly to the point, water is the grail of life, grail of hope, the sole reason why human exists today. If there is water on other planets, wouldn't there be other life forms? To me, God didn't solely just create humans, and if there was god i believe in, i would've felt the presence of the greatness that lies within his hands.

People, Humans, Lifeforms, are god's creation, but if we are God's creation, what is God's creator? Who was he? Who was he or she before that? And Before that? Can there such be a thing who just appears? Or is God's grail of life, Humans...

To me, if humans need it, they take it, if humans want it, the get it, if humans need it, they tremble to grasp it. It's so close the feeling, what life is truely about; sitting on the cold bench trying to think why am I here. Is there a single purpose in my life? What i needed was to be warm, to be wanted, to feel as if there was some hope in my body. Is there really reason why i am here, why must i go through all this suffering, pain, and vague ideals, and then eventually, this leads to my very oblivion, my destruction, my death?

Throughout my very life i have felt this utter emptiness inside of me, this lonliness that no one can fulfill. No one can truely understand how i live my life since i've seen it all, through thick - and thin i have seen how life has reacted to my life. Life is hell, since the real world is hell, is there a close HAVEN that we can run to? Is there a HEAVEN that will lead us? Is there a greater guidance to lead "his" creations where to go?

Feeling the light raindrops, hitting my face, and finally feeling the blazing cold - has just seem to dissapear from my veins at that point. It was such a penonmenon that i can't explain. It felt just as a barrier was shielding me from the cold wind, and from the darted ice of rain. I was simply confused, why do i feel this warmth in me, is this god's presence? Is this shield that no one could see between the radius of 50 meters can see? Or is this a dream? Or possibly the enlightment of my meditation. After about 3 minutes, my shield was gone, and i felt the utter cold again.

This was my scenario i have experience about 2 week ago. I have been wondering why that has happened to me. Is that a warning? I blessing? A signal of some sort of good or bad situations and predicaments may arise in my life.

For the reason why i am always feeling down to my friends is because i've never thought that anyone cared for my existance, no one cared who i was, who am I, what they'd care for or even know why i am here. That creates this emptiness and from the experience i have felt, knowing that there is someone or something helping me, knowing that something is there, wants me alive. I just can never find it, or have I already found it without knowing it... Images of my life flash back before my eyes... So many friends, so little time, so many things to experience, some i am afraid to do, some or just to dangerous for my health, and some are worth dying for.

For that experience, for that shield, for that embrace of warmth and protection, i would sell my soul to the devil- god forbid- to feel that warm embrace again...

But, i have already felt that warm embrace, everyday when i go to school, every morning when i feel dead tired, every afternoon right after i eat lunch, Every walk to fourth period, and every day after school...

She, my addiction, my life, my water, my shield, my gift from God has came... Why do I feel this way? Why do I lean this way? Why do i depend this way?

Somethings i will never truely understand, and this is why my road to my existance has just begun. I will finally learn why all these emotions, these feelings, these philsophies are all connected to me and people who are significant to my life.

        "If you have it, be previliaged that you can hold on to it. If you don't have it, find it, its not to late to begin from a fresh new start to your road of life"

-Anonymous

Currently:  Kind've Tired

Woot woot, I can wake up at 6:00 and spend 48 minutes on absolutely nothing (If you were smart you would understand that i posted this message at 6:48 AM). Anyways, i have nothing to do, been Doing Romeo and Juliet Questions and doing absolutely nothing but 1 question out of 10 billion? Oh well.

Wow Friendster is so common, and why do people use it? I dunno maybe its just so easy to get connected with people haha. Man life is getting duller and duller by the minute - but somethings just never run dull =)

The BBT Sale at RHSS was a valiant Success, let's hope that they even make more business. Now i'm in debt 250 dollars thanks to - Jin, Cody, Michelle, Andrew Truong and Duong (Thanks guys).

Anyways looks like back to the old drawing board because i need to get a new job ^_^

-Kamishiro Maiku©

Currently:  Very happy =)

OoOoOoO Today was soooo good. Not even joking.  Started the day with some quick wrap ups, even though my stomach hurt like HELL. Jesus i swear i was going to die in Computer Engineering - felt like there was something about to pop out outta my stomach but DAMN.

Oh well, then next period, the teacher let me sleep so it was all good! My stomach felt way better and i was ready for the trip - the play called Scaredamoose Jones (I THINK that's how you spell it)

The Bus ride to Downtown was alright, even though i was still hungry and my stomach still hurting just a bit, i get to sit next to Jess, Ben, and Eric. It was fun and games until Ben and Eric were acting all gay, but whatever.

The Play, let's be honest, it was oh my god boring as hell. It was seriously boring, i couldn't keep my eyes open but the play was good in some sense. It was a play for old period seriously but it was okay.

Had some fun at Eaton Center, had some NY Fries, chilled with friends, had some nice chat with peeps - Wish we could've stayed at Eaton mall but we had to leave - Damn it was cold - Haha Ben's Counterfeit Bill (BAD REPUTATION!)

The bus ride back - now that was the longest bus ride ever, took us like 2 hours just to get back from school, at least someone was with me the whole time. Damn today was unforgettable overall... Thanks for the excellent time. *Phew*

Anyways, got to back to normal and get on with my ~*Ordinary life*~ hehe ^_~. Anyways fellow philosophers, have a nice night and a very Merry Christmas ^_^

-Kamishiro Maiku©